Roses are red, you always mattered,
You Might Also Like
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
The photographer’s assistant
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.