To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
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It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.