Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
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Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
what it’s like dating me:
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]