Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
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What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?