I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
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SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.