I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
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do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Saturday
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?