Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
You Might Also Like
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I’m not lazy
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved