Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
good let them take over I have had enough
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Lol #dogsoftwitter
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?