The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
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I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
mechanics be like
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts