I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
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No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I’ve had relationships like this
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.