Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
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I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*