A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
You Might Also Like
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Passwords are more important than ever.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
If you know, you know
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges