Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
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Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
[montage of me giving-up]
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist