Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
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My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity