Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
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If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(