6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
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wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
good morning
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I’m not lazy
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am