NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
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I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
How dude HOW?!
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”