Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
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[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Close call…
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Holy moly
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”