I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
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A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
one last job
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer