I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
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If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]