*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
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I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.