Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
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This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.