Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
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Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
selfie game
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Writing, She Murdered.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Pass gas, not judgment.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.