Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
You Might Also Like
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Favourite diary entry ever
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…