I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
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*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
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I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.