When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
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Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.