[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
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God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.