My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
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There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.