Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
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I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
My what?
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Money is the root of all wealth
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.