I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The future is now.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I am also baked goods