4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
mood
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably