[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
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I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Cannot stop laughing at this
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up