I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
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Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Still a very good boi….
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Single and childfree like Jesus
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies