Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
You Might Also Like
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.