“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.