Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
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My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]