IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
You Might Also Like
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.