me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
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If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Actually cracking up @ this
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that