me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
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“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.