A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
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Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation