My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
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I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.