[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
You Might Also Like
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Thank you corporation very cool
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.