[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
He’s cranky this morning
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Perfect.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.