“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My Guy
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?