I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
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Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”