I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
They’re stuck in your pants?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.