“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Erm I’m gonna say no
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
But I really needed water water water
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.