Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
You Might Also Like
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.