My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.