My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
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So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.